Devotionals

Scripture Reading: Isaiah 35:4

If you didn't read last week's devotional, you may want to so that you will know where we left off on my life story.

Mother’s illness gradually became worse, and by the time I was twelve years old I’d been taken out of school to help take care of her. Daddy was still coming, going, and spending his money however he wanted to. My brother Dennis and I were, by this time, the only ones left at home. Dennis worked a job at a carpet mill to help provide for us when father was away. We used his check, mother’s disability, and the little money that others gave us to pay the bills and buy just enough groceries to feed ourselves.

As soon as I was old enough to move away from home, I did it. I had grown weary of lying in bed wondering if I would find mother dead the next morning due to my dad’s abuse during the night. By the time I was sixteen, my nerves were shot. I knew I had to go out and find a life of my own. I could not continue to live with the stress at home.

I guess watching my mother live in such an unstable and abusive relationship for so many years instilled within me a determination never to have this type of relationship with anyone.  So I went from one imperfect relationship to another. I searched for love, peace, and happiness in all the wrong places. Though outwardly active and goal-oriented, I was the most insecure person you could ever meet.

When I made the decision to leave home, I also decided to live life the way I wanted.  Although my mother had taught me about Jesus every day and sent me to church every week, when I left home I walked out on God, too. I had grown tired of classmates making fun of me at school because my clothes were not name brand. I was weary of feeling like I was less than others because we were poor and didn’t have nice things. My mother had taught me to hold my head up and not fall prey to peer pressure, but I was tired of the negative, dog-eat-dog world I had been living in. I wanted a stress-free and more positive way of life. There had to be something better out there somewhere, I thought.

My search for a better life was not fun. In fact, the farther out into the world I went, the worse still life became. Yet for many years—convinced that I was making it on my own—I called this fun and happiness. I found a great job as a dance teacher, bought myself a car, made some new friends, and outfitted myself with some new clothes. Persuaded that I was living it up, I killed myself trying to live up to everyone else’s standards. I thought I had to have the nicest house and car and to wear the nicest clothes. I was so insecure with myself that I would do whatever it took to have friends. And the more friends I made, the more expenses I incurred. Then, when the expenses became more than I could handle and my money slowly dwindled away, my friends disappeared, too. Sound familiar?

My fear of not being accepted by others made me a very emotionally unstable young woman. In fact, my life from ages sixteen to twenty became very unstable. My inferiority complex drove me to work hard to prove myself to others just to feel like I fit in. My insecurities and emotional instability brought on many broken relationships with men in my life. As is the case for so many young girls, my heart was broken over and over by men who I thought would respect me and accept me for who I was. It seems I always looked for love “in all the wrong places.” This lifestyle went on for several years, and by the age of twenty I had already married and divorced. Looking around, I found myself with a bouncing baby boy to raise all on my own.

To learn more about Dr. Robinson's life story, you may purchase her testimony book, "Seized for His Glory" in our store on-line.

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• Posted by: Dr. Brenda Robinson